If you're skeptical of this, you might have recieved (or are often on the receiving end) of questioning that feels more like interrogation. This happens often within marriages and other close relationships (parent <> child, etc.).
This is from Esther Perel's excellent Mating in Captivity: "What passes for care is actually covert surveillance—a fact-finding approach to the details of a partner’s life. What did you eat for lunch? Who called? What did you guys talk about? This kind of interrogation feigns closeness and confuses insignificant details with a deeper sense of knowledge. I am often amazed at how couples can be up on the minute details of each other’s lives, but haven’t had a meaningful conversation in years. In fact, such transparency can often spell the end of curiosity. It’s as if this stream of questions replaces a more thoughtful and authentically interested inquiry."
Interesting quote. But it takes two to truly communicate. My wife asks me questions like that. She has for close to 4 decades. I have recently determined that this is not her issue - she is not interrogating me - but it is MY issue - I feel like she is interrogating me.
In reality, this is how she communicates and the questions she would want me to ask her.
Totally. I think a lot depends on the intent / emotion behind the questions. One of my good friends lives her life in details, so you ask how she's doing and you get an update on dishes and whatever. She asks questions at that altitude. Nothing strange about it. Just how she communicates.
I think where things can go wrong is where the questions are rooted in insecurity of some kind.
And if we are being honest, perhaps some of the answers may be rooted in insecurity of some kind, also. Both parties need to be responsible for good (or great) conversation.
Looking forward to using this when I get the chance to meet someone new today who I've been following online for a few years and have looked to as an inspiration for being at Two Percenter. I'll let you know how it goes!
If you're skeptical of this, you might have recieved (or are often on the receiving end) of questioning that feels more like interrogation. This happens often within marriages and other close relationships (parent <> child, etc.).
This is from Esther Perel's excellent Mating in Captivity: "What passes for care is actually covert surveillance—a fact-finding approach to the details of a partner’s life. What did you eat for lunch? Who called? What did you guys talk about? This kind of interrogation feigns closeness and confuses insignificant details with a deeper sense of knowledge. I am often amazed at how couples can be up on the minute details of each other’s lives, but haven’t had a meaningful conversation in years. In fact, such transparency can often spell the end of curiosity. It’s as if this stream of questions replaces a more thoughtful and authentically interested inquiry."
Interesting quote. But it takes two to truly communicate. My wife asks me questions like that. She has for close to 4 decades. I have recently determined that this is not her issue - she is not interrogating me - but it is MY issue - I feel like she is interrogating me.
In reality, this is how she communicates and the questions she would want me to ask her.
Totally. I think a lot depends on the intent / emotion behind the questions. One of my good friends lives her life in details, so you ask how she's doing and you get an update on dishes and whatever. She asks questions at that altitude. Nothing strange about it. Just how she communicates.
I think where things can go wrong is where the questions are rooted in insecurity of some kind.
And if we are being honest, perhaps some of the answers may be rooted in insecurity of some kind, also. Both parties need to be responsible for good (or great) conversation.
Looking forward to using this when I get the chance to meet someone new today who I've been following online for a few years and have looked to as an inspiration for being at Two Percenter. I'll let you know how it goes!
If you want to be interesting to people.
Be interested in them.
People love to talk about themselves.
( except me. 😀)
Nice job mike!